The Part That Hurts the Most
by HallowedNight
Summary: A sickness is festering inside Fili, gnawing away at his innermost thoughts and feelings. Strange attractions are finally beginning to show themselves; could the heir apparent really be falling for his brother? - One-sided Fili/Kili - Kind of AU
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! So I know I said I was gonna finish Adventures of the Soul before I wrote anything else, but I couldn't help it. This needed to be put on paper. Well...screen, whatever.**

**Kind of AU because *spoiler alert* Fili and Kili and Thorin aren't dead. **

**Rated T because I really have no idea where this is gonna go.**

**And any lyrics and some ideas of Fili's are from various songs by Thousand Foot Krutch. The title is based on the song The Part That Hurts the Most, and the whole story is kinda based on it.**

******Anyway, here ya go. Just read, and I'll explain more stuff at the end. **

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Chapter One

_Every day I get a little closer_

_And everything I'm made of_

_Starts to melt away_

XxX

It began to rain steadily as Fili's knees buckled and he slumped to the ground, physically and mentally exhausted. Twin blades trembled in his clenched fists, leaden weights at the end of his arms; they soon slipped out of his hands and plopped into the muddied ground of the practice field, momentarily forgotten as the young Dwarf struggled to regain his breath. Sweat and rain slicked down his hair and trickled into his mouth and eyes.

The mud was cool and soft, a welcome reprieve from the burning pain in the prince's blistered hands. Though he couldn't tell exactly what time it was, Fili knew he had been out for hours, training non-stop, distracting himself. His stomach suddenly clenched and he retched dryly into the mud, clutching his abdomen as a wave of emotion slammed down upon him. He was sick, he knew; sick beyond any of the imaginings of his friends and family, and far, far beyond what he had first thought.

His disease was not of the body, but of the heart and mind, breaking his spirit, tearing his very essence into raw chunks of agony that roiled beneath the surface of his skin. For years it had remained in check, rearing its ugly head only occasionally and with little consequence. But now that Erebor had been reclaimed and he was no longer fighting for his life on a regular basis, the illness had attacked with a vengeance, ravaging his soul and eating away at the walls of caution he had erected around his innermost feelings.

What was he to do? He could tell no one; healers were of no help; his mother was miles upon miles away; his uncle would surely be disappointed, believing his oldest nephew and current heir to the throne of Erebor to be unfit for so crucial a task. His brother was Fili's only other option, and the one he had sworn to avoid at all costs. Kili, his brother, his best friend, the one who understood him better than he understood himself sometimes, was undeniably the root of his problems.

_Kili…it hurts… This hurts. I'm sorry, I know I promised; I'm the big brother, aren't I? I'm supposed to keep you safe and happy. I'm the protector, supposed to scare away the darkness and pain, and now I've brought it upon both of us._

Shivers began to course through Fili's body as he pushed himself off the ground. His knees were shaking violently, but he ignored it and picked up his now filthy swords. Scowling darkly, he wiped them on a relatively clean patch of his jerkin before sheathing them simultaneously. Shadows crept around him as the storm thickened, thunder shaking the earth.

The practice field was less than a mile away from the massive gates of Erebor, hidden in a small crop of trees near the base of the mountain. Fili began to stumble down the familiar path, his strides growing progressively surer as the rain pounded on his head and back.

_I see you differently, brother. Can't you see it? Don't you? We'll always be brothers, closer than any brothers could hope to be. But one of us wants to be closer still, till there is no division between us. Let our flesh meld together, let our hearts become one. _

_Can you hear me? Can you feel my sickness? Brothers are supposed to have psychic bonds. Are you hiding the same secret?_

A small side door was pulled open hastily at the prince's quiet knock. Tinny voices drifted through Fili's mental haze, but he stubbornly blocked them, allowing thoughts of misery and woe to cloud his vision and lead his feet. Mud dripped into puddles behind him, creating a sloppy trail to his temporary lodgings.

Kili was there, lying on his side of the bed they shared. Fili watched through swollen eyes as his brother sat up quickly, his face filled with concern. The heir apparent raised his hand in a gesture of dismissal; he had no desire to see Kili or hear the comments about his older brother's self-degradation carried on that low, gentle voice.

"Fili, you know you won't be able to- Fili, listen to-"

The heavy wooden door that separated the bathing quarters from the rest of their rooms cut off Kili's hushed words. Fili sighed and clenched his jaw against the overwhelming rush of _feeling_ that washed over him once again. His insides seemed to curl in upon each other; he cast his gaze to the high ceiling, willing the longing and eerie pain away as he slowly began to peel off his layers of soaked clothing. He was still shivering.

_I wish you wouldn't do that. I guess you're as entitled to your opinion as I am…but I really wish you wouldn't. It makes things worse, though you don't know that. I want to listen to you. I know we've been distant recently; I can't bring myself to want things to be back to normal. There's always a chance that things will work out. Isn't there?_

_Brother, I have so many questions. You should be the one crying to me, not the other way around. Am I really this weak? When did you surpass me? You're so mature, you're kind and understanding; when did you grow up so much, baby brother? _

_And when did I regress? When did I resort to such twisted behaviors and feelings? _

_Now you're the one protecting me. How pathetic is that? I know I'm heading down a long road to nowhere; where else could this lead? But you know, it might be nowhere, but it's safe there, and that's valuable to me, if no one else._

_ I've been looking for comfort, for love; I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I'm scared no one will understand, that no one will want to._

_I want to say goodbye, but I won't. I have hope, little brother. I may be broken beyond repair; maybe we all are. I don't want to be perfect, just…_enough_. Alive and kicking, fighting for what I want, what I need._

_I love you, little brother. Can you find it in your heart to feel the same?_

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**Chapter one finished. Fili isn't feeling his best.**

**I'm trying out a bit of a new style, switching between first and third person, kinda separating thoughts and actions. I like it, but I don't know if other people will. (I hope so.) This is probably gonna be a bit more...introspective than Adventures of the Soul, which is good if I'm loosing inspiration for either story. **

**Anyway, please review, follow and favorite, and I hope you're enjoying it so far!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Two chapters in one day, whoo~ I like this story.**

**And I forgot the disclaimer. I don't own the Hobbit, Middle-earth or any of these characters; never have, never will. And I didn't make any money off of this. (Sadly.)**

**Anyway, next chapter.**

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Chapter Two

_I see the signs but I can't quite make the words out_

_All I want is to be near you_

_But I push you away_

XxX

Fili closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his nose as he eased his aching body into the deep, black marble depression in the floor that served as a bathtub. It was currently filled with steaming hot herbal water; it smelled somewhat like tea, which was strange, but it did wonders for tender muscles and minor cuts and bruises.

Immediately, the Dwarf-prince felt his own muscles begin to unwind. He was sorely tempted to fall asleep in the therapeutic water, but knew that wouldn't be wise; the only thing holding him in place was a thin rock shelf, and the pool was easily ten feet deep. His sleeping habits considered, he would probably wake up on the bottom of the pool and end up drowning.

Feeling revitalized after several minutes of soaking, Fili began to search around the edge of the tub for the familiar handholds several inches under the water. Taking hold of the one nearest him, he pushed himself down until his arm was straight, keeping him firmly beneath the surface. The world became gloriously still, even his breathing silenced by the dark water. He felt safe, enveloped in a warm, calm world that was all his own, where he could finally forget his life, his duties…his brother.

_I should apologize. I hurt you brother; you're probably sitting there still, wondering why your best friend is now so cold. I don't think I could apologize though. I'm not even sure what I would apologize for. I'm sorry I'm suddenly a stranger, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, I'm sorry I've yelled, ran away, avoided you… I'm sorry for my feelings. I'm sorry, I love you._

_I'm sorry I love you._

Fili's eyes snapped open as his head broke the surface of the water, sending little drops like glittering diamonds across the polished stone floor. There was no escaping the thought of his sibling; of course, he couldn't hide from his own mind. Now quite unsettled, the Dwarf quickly finished his bath and hoisted himself out of the tub, wrapping a nearby towel around his waist before pulling a small lever set into the wall. A distant gurgling could be heard through the floor.

Once satisfied that the pool was draining properly, Fili ran his hands through his hair and hitched his towel up before heading out of the room to gather some clean clothes and, regretfully, confront his brother. Just as he had imagined, Kili was still sitting on the side of the bed, though he was hunched over something in his lap, and his back was rigid.

Fili froze midstride as he heard the quiet music drifting from the small box cupped in Kili's hands. It was a music box, given to the pair of them by their mother when they were very small. Fili hadn't heard its haunting melody for years, and he leaned towards it ever so slightly, suddenly stunned and entranced.

The snap of the music box's lid closing seemed to echo in the silence that followed, accompanied by the last notes of the tune, which hung in the air impossibly long before dissipating and leaving the brothers reticent and motionless. Kili was the first to move, tilting his head upwards to gaze questioningly at his brother. Fili however, was the first to speak.

"Kili, I'm sorry." The words sounded hollow, and seemed to only confuse the younger Dwarf even more. Walking to the thick-walled, oaken chest that contained their clothes, Fili elaborated. "I don't mean to be…distant or cross with you. I'm just…stressed."

The younger Dwarf appeared unconvinced, but nodded slowly nonetheless.

"I understand you're under a great deal of pressure…but I wish you would loosen up sometimes. I miss my old brother."

Just as he had finished slipping a pair of thick woolen breeches over his legs, Fili froze and turned his head to his brother, who continued to speak, oblivious to Fili's sudden attention.

"Just because we have Erebor back doesn't mean you have to be so serious all the time."

"Uncle won't live for-"

"Of course he won't live forever! But he won't be dying any time soon. And even if he was, you don't have to be stuffy and depressed all the time like he is." Kili's eyes were burning with passion as he slid off the bed and took a few steps towards his brother. "Please Fili, tell me what's really the matter… You know you can talk to me."

The older Dwarf felt trapped, and almost bit his lip as he returned his brother's gaze.

"I know… I know we used to tell each other everything… But…" Fili turned away, rummaging around in the drawers for a shirt, biding time. "I'm…I'm scared, Kili."

This, if nothing else he would say to Kili, was completely and utterly true. It stung Fili's pride to say it, but he felt guilty for keeping his brother in the dark, and his baby brother came before his own self-satisfaction or preservation.

"I'm scared that others won't accept me, or that I won't be a good leader… I'm afraid of so many things… I feel like I'm drowning all the time. It's…suffocating. It's too much, I-" Fili's confession was cut short by a reassuring grip on his upper arm. Kili was smiling slightly, but his expression showed no sign of pity; just a warm confidence in his older brother and happiness that the issue of their recent separation had been apparently solved. A dull throbbing began to develop in Fili's chest, and he resited the urge to pull away from the younger Dwarf's touch.

"Well, that's normal, isn't it? You're going to be king, after all. I'd be anxious too. But you know that responsibility won't be all yours; I'll always be there to help, no matter what. Got it?" Kili released his brother's arm and slapped him on the shoulder. Despite himself, Fili laughed half-heartedly at his brother's omnipresent enthusiasm.

"Yeah, I got it."

"Good." Kili beamed and began walking towards the door, slinging his bow and quiver over his back with one practiced motion. "Anyway, don't forget the meeting this evening. Uncle'll kill you if you're late, and Bombur is making glazed honeycakes for the first ones there. Hurry, or you won't get any."

Fili nodded his appreciation as Kili shut the door behind him. He had, in fact, completely forgotten the meeting, and would have undoubtedly slept through the thing if Kili hadn't reminded him. A soft sigh escaped his lips; sitting around a table with every Dwarf he had been trying desperately to avoid for weeks was definitely not his idea of a pleasant evening. The thirteen Dwarves that made up the original Company were now all in high standings in the Kingdom of Erebor, and, unfortunately for the ailing heir apparent, would see that there was something bothering their eldest prince.

_And what would I tell them? Anxiety over being King Under the Mountain one day? Thorin wouldn't buy it. I'm surprised Kili did. _

_Kili… I hate lying to you. I want to tell you everything…how I've felt these last months…years, maybe. _

Pulling himself out of his darkening thoughts, Fili took his brother's place on the bed. The music box was sitting on the bedside table, but Fili didn't dare touch it. There were too many memories there; memories of he and Kili as little Dwarflings, of happy mornings and tearful nights. Of hurt and comfort and simpler times, when the most they had to worry about was going to bed without dinner after staying out too late playing.

The Dwarf-prince buried his face in his hands and slumped against the headboard, focusing on keeping the ache in his chest at bay.

_This has to stop. _

_I can't live like this, I can't rule like this…I can't do anything like this. These feelings…this illness is unnecessary._

_Brother, I wish I could tell you the untainted truth; but how would you respond? I can't imagine you would take it well. And even if you did, what about our friends? What about our uncle? They wouldn't accept either of us._

_Maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm with you all the time, after all. Why should I want more from our relationship? Why do I feel like…I expect it? This is my fault. I'm hurting you._

_Tell me why, brother, this is all I can think about? You won't leave my thoughts; I'm running in circles, waiting for a reason to stand still. Can you give me that reason? If I think hard enough, will you hear me screaming your name, begging for release? _

_I doubt it._

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**Not really sure what to say down here... Well, I guess I can say don't expect an action-packed story. Though I mentioned I don't really know where this is going, there will probably be little to no fighting and stuff like that. Just drama. If you want action, check out my other Hobbit story, Adventures of the Soul. [/shameless self-advertising]**

**I hope you all are liking the style... I feel like it's a mite awkward, but I'm trying to really stick with Fili's perspective. Also debating whether or not to switch between the brothers...probably won't, 'cause I like just sticking with one. Fili is pretty much gonna stay the main character anyway. It's all his thoughts.**

**Well, please favorite, follow and review! I love reviews, I really do; they keep me going. I also think I'm gonna answer them down here, 'cause I often get some cool ideas and questions in reviews. So...yeah. Review! Please. Really, please. I'm begging you here.**

**[/pointless ramble]**


	3. Chapter 3

**Haven't updated this in ages, sorry. And this took forever to write. e3e**

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Chapter Three

_I just want to get away_

_XxX_

The honeycakes were nowhere to be found when Fili finally dragged himself down to the council room and slunk into his seat next to Thorin. At least they hadn't been waiting for him; there were several key members of the King's Council still absent from the table, including Bofur and Bombur. The young prince's attention however, was focused mainly on his brother, who was barely visible around his uncle's bulk. He seemed rather fidgety, a detail Fili would be sure to address when the meeting had adjourned. He had enough on his mind without wondering if something was bothering Kili as well.

The meeting was soon underway, but Fili was far from engaged. These gatherings bored him when he wasn't preoccupied, and now that he had something else to think about, the apparent importance of the excavation and reconstruction of caved tunnels was completely lost on him. Thankfully, Thorin was too distracted by the various discussions to berate the prince for not chiming in. The time passed slowly, minutes creeping by as Fili struggled to remain alert.

_Why am I here? What am I doing? I'm wasting my life. I could be spending it with you, taking this time to sow the seeds of a life worth living. You're my sun, my rain, my living soil; I blossom in your presence, I can't survive without you._

_What happens, brother, when the rain gives way to a mighty storm? Where then do I turn, whom do I trust? I am a boat with no anchor, tossing endlessly in the tempest of my own soul. Your light alone pierces the clouds; a beacon of hope for a man adrift in a sea of lies and self-disgust. _

"-ili. Fili!" Thorin's voice was slightly raised as he vied for his nephew's focus. The prince raised his eyebrows slightly and turned his bloodshot eyes to his uncle, only then noticing that the room was empty around them. Thorin seemed to be quite unhappy with the heir apparent's lax attitude, and had no trouble voicing his opinion. "Fili, you must try to take part in these meetings. I can't train, or trust, you as my heir unless I am one-hundred percent sure you are focused, on-task and willing to learn."

Fili mentally shook himself out of his stupor and stood, his gaze hardening as he responded.

"I'm sorry, Uncle. I understand; I'll try harder." The prince's voice was soft, and the words sounded empty. Thorin, keen to his nephew's disheartened manner, placed a hand on his shoulder and allowed himself a small smile.

"Is there something bothering you, Fili? You seem quite-"

"I'm just tired, Uncle. Thank you for your concern, but I'll be just fine," came the terse reply. "I have...I'm not feeling the best. I think I'll go lie down."

Thorin nodded slowly, the smile fading from his features as he inspected his older nephew. The boy was lying, it was obvious, but the King Under the Mountain forced himself to watch as Fili walked away. He was no longer a child, Thorin thought, and was entitled to his own feelings and secrets.

Meanwhile, the prince had made his way out to the long, winding hallway back to his chambers. It was true he was going to go lie down, and there was nothing physically wrong with him, so he hadn't technically lied to his Uncle, and that thought comforted him slightly. That comfort was eclipsed, however, by the dread of confronting his brother once again. It was possible that Kili had gone out with a scouting or excavation crew, or perhaps he would be getting some fresh air... Anything, as long as he wasn't in their rooms when Fili got there.

Apparently the gods were against Fili that day, as Kili was stretched out on the floor in front of the fire when the older brother finally came in. Pretending to ignore the younger Dwarf, Fili kicked off his boots and removed his thick cloak, absentmindedly wondering why there was no fireplace in the council room. In fact, most of their mountain halls were currently freezing regardless of the season, and would remain that way until the central heating systems could be repaired.

"You were awfully quiet today, brother." Fili jumped as Kili's voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Is something on your mind?" The younger Dwarf continued to stare at the flames, seemingly entranced. Fili sighed; there would be no escaping his little brother.

"No, I'm fine. Just tired." Pushing his qualms about Kili discovering his secret aside, the older Dwarf collapsed in one of the cushioned armchairs in front of the large fireplace. "What about you, baby brother? You were rather stoic yourself." This was complete guesswork on Fili's part; he had no idea if Kili had been active at the meeting or not, but his brotherly intuition believed the latter.

"Ah...well, I guess I'm just a little tired too." Suddenly looking quite uncomfortable, Kili pushed himself into a sitting position just in time to see his older brother's skeptical expression. He seemed to wilt under the heir apparent's stern gaze. "Err... It's nothing, really, I promise." The lie fell on deaf ears; Fili didn't need to hear the truth, as the look on Kili's face said enough.

"You've been hearing insults again, haven't you?" Kili hung his head, his cheeks slowly reddening, though with anger or embarrassment Fili couldn't tell.

This senseless bullying had been occurring for years. Kili's petite (for a Dwarf) size and obvious lack of a beard, plus the long, unbraided hair often attracted derogatory comments from the less-savory Dwarves of Erebor. Throughout the years, the unlucky Dwarf had been insulted in every way Fili could think of; a group of particularly vicious young Dwarves gone so far as to saw his hair off with a blunt sword. It had taken Kili months to recover from the humiliation, and Fili's blood still boiled when he thought about it.

"It's no big deal, I'm used to it by now." Fili was familiar with that low, hoarse voice as well. Taking care to be as gentle as possible, he slid down to the floor next to his brother and placed an arm around his shoulders.

"Kili... That's not true. I know you better than anyone, and I can tell when you're upset." The words sounded hollow and rehearsed, even to Fili's own ears. He was sick of hearing his voice sound so…unlike himself, devoid of the usual quiet confidence that used to permeate his entire being. His inner self was being stripped away, layer by layer, to be replaced by a cold shell of the Dwarf he used to be.

Kili could see his older brother's distress, and wriggled away from his touch. His eyes burned into Fili's face, searching for the spark, the life he used to revel in.

"I can deal with it." Kili's voice was firm. "But you can't. There's something wrong with you, brother, something you're not telling anyone…not even me." The younger Dwarf grabbed his brother's shoulders and jarred him slightly, his eyes pleading for Fili to listen. "You can trust me, I promise… When have we grown so apart that you can't confide in me? I want to help-"

"You can't help me, Kili!" Fili's voice was rather louder than he had anticipated as he wrenched himself away from his brother's grasp and stood up. "I can't tell you, and you can't help me. So just drop it, okay?"

Satisfied with Kili's stunned silence, the older Dwarf began stripping angrily, stomping around the room until he was suitably dressed for bed. He cast a quick glance to his brother before settling between the sheets, and sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry, Kili. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

This seemed to rouse the other Dwarf; the tension in the air melted away as he stood and started readying himself for bed. Fili feigned sleep, hoping to preserve the comfortable peace that had descended between them. His deception apparently worked, as Kili finished his preparations and slid in bed beside his brother without a word.

Fili resisted the urge to lurch away as he felt a pair of cold fingers ghost over his bare back. He managed to keep still, though goosebumps began to rise on his arms.

"I hope you get better, big brother… I love you, I don't want you to suffer…" The younger Dwarf's murmured words brought tears to Fili's eyes, but he remained silent and still, unwilling to confront his little brother.

Minutes passed slowly, and Kili's breathing relaxed into a steady rhythm, lulling Fili into an uneasy sleep. His dreams were troubled, however, and he awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Unable to get back to sleep, he turned to face his brother, struggling to quell the longing that welled up in his chest at the habitual position. When they were little Dwarflings still living with their mother, they would always sleep face to face, with their legs curled just enough for their knees to touch. Blissful childhood memories drifted to the forefront of his mind, and, for the first time in what seemed like ages, he smiled slightly.

_Maybe…brother, maybe this doesn't have to be a dead-end situation. Perhaps… But I can't raise my hopes. You cannot return my feelings…but we don't have to be so apart. We were so happy as children, free from worries and responsibilities…I know we can never go back, but why not regain those feelings toward each other?_

_I _will_ try harder, for you and for Uncle. I must stop worrying my family. I may not be able to protect you all from everything, but I can protect you from myself._

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**Thar it is. I don't really like the ending, but whatever. Umm...yeah. c:**

**Please follow, favorite and review, and I hope you're enjoying it~**


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